One year has passed since I managed to break free from a hold that was killing me, and on the surface, it might appear that it was no great accomplishment, but from where I stand today, it feels like it has taken me a life-time to arrive at this moment. But it does seem fitting that I recognize the date of the most important moment in my life.
It’s ironic, though … somewhat sad … I had envisioned the most important day of my life very differently. As it is, I’m left to learn to accept it for what it is, and I will drink a toast to the day I made the choice, and a conscious one, to live my life without the one that turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life. And at this moment if you are thinking to yourself that you detect a tone of bitterness, I would agree with you, that the experience has left me bitter, and I have proudly earned that right to be bitter. However, it’s not the typical sort of bitterness, and I allow it to conceal me as a protective blanket would.
Despite, the bitterness, which usually follows a betrayal, this is actually a day of celebration, because it’s not just about from what I escaped, or from what I’ve recovered, but also of all the wonderful things that have defined my life this past year, and this definition could have only arrived once I cleansed my life of the poison. All the dreams I once shared with that “special someone” who promised to grow old with me, I now share with someone else. All the things “we” had planned to do, I now do with someone else. And I’ve learned to be “OK” with that.
For those of you who have read my story, who have followed along, you know that my journey of recovery has been a difficult one, but the difficulty only existed in the task of learning to distinguish the real person from the fantasy. Once I made the distinction, letting go was more of a welcoming than an obstacle. There will always be a sadness with me that belongs to this experience and now is part of the woven fabric of who I am, because when I faced that moment of truth … that I am in love with someone who doesn’t exist, I was left to mourn a loss that almost shattered my core.
As for the real person … the creator of this fantasy … I struggle to subdue the waves of pure hatred that courses through my veins at the mere thought of this individual who knows no limit of cruelty and harbors no degree of compassion for the hurt that is inflicted on others. I long for the day when there is no more anger or hatred … I strive to be completely indifferent to this vile individual, for I have not reached that moment of forgiveness that keeps me from believing this twisted soul is not worthy of another’s emotions. For the sane and reasonable mind, understanding the method of the madness of the insane is beyond reach, so, I settle for the gratitude and comfort of knowing that I do not have to live within the confines of a twisted mind, but I am unable to feel pity or sympathy for this individual. I’m not willing to extend any ill wishes towards the monster, but, in all honesty, I have to admit, I would not be troubled by any harm that should befall the monster.
As my journey continues into the next year, I will allow the sadness of the loss to follow me like a shadow that grows weak in the light of a new day, and I hope that at the end of the next year my memories will be free as well. So … here’s to the rain washing away the bad … to the new morning … to my new life … a better life …
Cheers!
11 Comments
You deserve nothing but happiness. <3 *hugs*
awe … thanks, Diva. It just occurred to me that you’ve been one of those significant things in my life this past year, so, this is probably a good time to let you know I have appreciated your kindness and friendship … and that means you deserve happiness as well … and come to think of it, you do seem quite happy these days … oh, one more thing … I just can’t tell you enough … wtg! and you know what I’m talking about
Thank you very much. *blush* <3
Cheers. I’m glad to see you becoming free. That’s a good thing.
Though they falter,I’m taking my own steps. I want to be free too.
I’m wishing you good luck and loads of love.
Awe … steadycat, thank you, and Cheers to you as well, and to you the same good tidings of good fortune
I must be honest with you … this road to the freedom of which we speak is a lonely one, no matter what precious souls we keep in the wings. It is a road we travel on our own, for no amount of another’s empathy will make a difference.
But I promise you, that moment does arrive, despite those endless nights when it seems the hurt is unbearable. I do not forget those moments when it was all I could do to tell myself to breathe.
And I don’t forget what you wrote in a comment …”I’ll be glad when I’ve cleansed her out of my soul.”
Those words are powerful, because they are enabling … and it was at that moment when I decided it wasn’t good enough to just be “getting over it” … it was time I take back the control of my emotions … those very emotions that had been hijacked and held for ransom.
There is one thing I have learned … the first step to freedom is stepping away from the one who hurts you … the second step is not going back.
That is the path Kheri, things seem so much easier with time don’t they? To try and find understanding in other people that have failed our own expectations will drive a person to madness. The best a creative soul can do is use those moments of weakness to try and create within and without the bounds and corners pushed in front of us.
To purge our dreams and moments of light away from the darkness of places that we should have never dwelled to begin with.
To pretend none of it is real, to take back all the words, to pull towards a tomorrow without regret. They aren’t choices for what ails are they?
Time means nothing in these things. For whatever you have felt will remain in small portions in everything you do. Make the best of the nightmares and find your way through the forest. There is a better tomorrow waiting when you’ve opened your eyes.
Just remember, none of this is real.
Well, the name made me smile … roman god of wine and revelry …
and I read your comment several times, feeling that I know you, but mostly grateful that your words provoke thought.
I spent the better part of half an hour sitting here, typing out a sentence, then deleting that sentence, and writing a new sentence, only to delete it too.
Your message is too profound for any reply other than thank you
You might not know me but I know where your at. I know that very place, I know the sorrow and the senselessness of things. I know of the time it consumes trying to figure out why.
And the truth Kheri is there is no answer that will ever make sense to you. And the sentences? They are just words that get strung along, put them in their place and don’t move backwards, what is first thought should never be replaced by second thought. That’s what writing and dreams are for after all.
Know this dear child, there are those that understand the place that you now find yourself, and in time (for whatever that is worth) it is fuel that you should use to find the deeper parts of yourself.
The best way to get even is to dig deeper in your soul and bring what they’ve never expected. Do you understand what that mean?
“The best way to get even …”
Now, that has me quite curious. Am I sending out a message that I want to get even, and if so, does that message come across in my writing … or is “wanting to get even” just the natural knee-jerk reaction to these types of experiences, and so you speak of it from a generalized sense?
There have been those quiet moments, when she rapes my solitude, when I have wondered if “getting even” would serve a useful, meaningful purpose in all this. I have yet to answer that question … however, I’d be the liar that she is if I said it wouldn’t feel good
But on a serious and constructive note … I think I understand what you mean. One of my friends calls it “taking the high road”.
Thank you, Dionysus, for your guidance.
Not sure I’m of much assistance, I just recognize someone that was broken.
I’m familiar with the signs and symptoms. Truth is people don’t care anymore. Then the few creative souls on this planet take the wrath and damage from their apathy. Which in itself would be fine if they just kept their cruelty to themselves but they have to go searching out the passionate ones and intertwining themselves in their lives and thoughts.
The best way to get even is to gather all the strength in yourself and do something so important that their mouths drop open instantly when you shut them up by proving you aren’t NOTHING. That somebody in this world will “get it,” and show you empathy.
Trust me Kheri there aren’t many people like that left here in this place. It is quite tragic. It would be so much easier if we could just forget and be able to leave the memories of being let down and abandoned on the steps of those that did the harm.
Though I did not respond to this comment immediately, I did think about it carefully. The words that moved me most were these … “It would be so much easier if we could just forget and be able to leave the memories of being let down and abandoned on the steps of those that did the harm.”
And rather than go into a long reply, these words have prompted my next blog post. So, thank you, Dionysus.